Losing Sanity

I was in my desk. I was chewing gum. Chewuing gum run out of flavor, due to chewing for a long time. I was too bored to go to the kitchen to get rid of it. I thought about stucking it for some minutes, below my desk. it was a bad habit that I used to have between 3-9 years, ago. I stoped doing that habit for a very long time.

While my thoughts were suggesting me to stuck it, for some time, below my desk, I remembered that bad habit that I used to do years ago. Automatically, I got a bad feeling abou this. A "I must not do it again" popped up in my head because of a possible promise to God that I may have forgotten. It was just a random thought and a bad feeling. I ignored it but I did not stuck my gum below my desk in the end.

Some days ago, I stuck a gum in my bookcase for some time. I freaked because that bad feeling I had when I was thinking about sticking my gum below my desk, popped up again.


I started thinking

- What If I made a rushed promise to God not to stick gum and I have forgotten about it?


I calmed myself down by thinking that I am ill and God knows that. But that created a new worry


- What if the promise was made before my ocd illness? Then, there is no excuse for me if I broke a promise.

I started worrying. I tried to calm myself down by thinking

- I never made a promise because I remember anything related to a promise to God. Then, why I felt that bad feeling when I was on my desk?


It's as if my subconscious remembers it but I do not. That bad feeling just created all these worrying thoughts. Why I felt like that? I remember that many times, when I was ready to do something that I stopped doing for a very long time, my ocd was like

- You are going to do something that you stopped doing for some time. Why you stopped doing it? Perhaps, you made a rushed promise to God that you cant remember?

I guess that was the reason I got that bad feeling. Since sticking gum was an old habit, and a bad one, that I stoped, I got that bad feeling.

Also, I think 9 years ago, when I was touching cleaned spots on my desk that still had some gum left, I was always going to wash my hands compulsively. And, I think, there was a time, that I was touching that spots, accidentally, and I was washing my hands, and then, accidentally, I was touching the spots and then, again I was washing my hands for a second and third time. I guess, that created a "must not do it" in my subconscious. This combined with my new ocd about promises to God, generated that bad feeling.

The more I analyze it and try to remember somethting that I never did, the more worried I become.

I remember, almost, anything related to a promise. So, I would remember if i ever made a promise about not sticking gum. Besides, I would never make a promise about such a stupid thing. I have trouble with ocd promises when it is the only way out of pressure. But, what if I do not remember it just because it was a promise related to something stupid?

I worry because if I ever made such a promise, I cant blame it on my ocd, because it was probably, made before my ocd illness. That is why I worry. And all this was generated by a bad feeling.

Also, I am afraid if a punishment was given as an idea of punishment in case of a broken promise. I worry if Jesus is not real and there is a God who does not care about my ocd. And I am not even sure, if that promise can be considered as an ocd promise. What if it was a normal promise that I cant remember?


All that worries generated from that random, bad feeling I got. Why it insists so much?