Please talk to me! I am worried again!
2 years ago, I was outside from home and ocd was telling me to return home in order to get paper napkins as part of an ocd compulsion. I did not want to do it so I tried to make a promise to Christian God about not returning home to get paper napkins. I wanted to use the fear of the promise to force myself not to do the tiring compulsion. I tried to cancel the promise but I am not sure if it was canceled. What if Christian God is not real and the promise was accepted by other Gods who do not care about my ocd?
Today, I was in a different city than the one in the promise. I ate a bite of cake, in the kitchen, and then, opened the apartment's door in order to leave and visit my grandma. I was dizzy from depression and my mind was having intruisve thoughts. When I opened the door, I started worrying by thinking what if after eating cake, I grabbed some paper napkins with me? what if that will break the promise?
I knew I never touched or grabbed any napkins but because I was dizzy I could not convince myself that I did not do it. So, I instead of going out, I randomly, went to the kitchen in order to analyze my memories better in order to convince myself that I did not get any napkins with me. As I was entering the kitchen, some paper napkins that were in the table drew my attention and I started looking at them while I was trying to remember if I ever touched them. I freaked.
I am angry and worried because by trying to find out if I broke the promise, I ended up worrying more. If I would have ignored my hypothetical false memories, I would have left the apartment without worrying about napkins. But, due to worry, I did not left the aparment but I got back to the kitchen in order to convince myself that I did not take any napkins. The problem is that I cant remember if I went to the kitchen to check the cake and imagine my actions after eating it (in order to confirm that I only ate a bite of cake and never touched napkins) or if I went to the kitchen with the goal to see the napkins in the table and try to remember if I touched them.
the promise was about not returning home in order to get paper napkins.
what if by opening the apartment's door counted as leaving the house (even thought I did not passed the door line) and then, when I went back to the kitchen to convince myself that I did not take any napkins, counted as returning home? what if without realising it, I had in my mind the goal to see the napkins in order to remind myself that I did NOT take them? what if it counted as if I returned home to see the napkins? I never planned on taking them but what if just by planning to see them, I broke the promise?
