ΔΕΝ ΜΠΟΡΩ ΑΛΛΟ! ΘΕΛΩ ΤΗΝ ΓΝΩΜΗ ΣΑΣ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be quick. I have ocd. I used to make promises to God/Gods that i wont do certain ocd compulsions and I was asking for non-specific punishment in case breaking those promises by doing the compulsion, in order to use the fear of punishment to force myself NOT to do what ocd was telling me to do. It was just a copying mechanism that I found. One day, I explained to God/Gods that I do not mean those promises and that I am making them because of my ocd. I explained that I would mean a real promise/deal only if I really mean it, if I understand what I am promising and if I validate it by doing a specific gesture 3 times on me.
One night, I was in a bridge above a railroad. I had some paper napkins in my pocket. Those paper napkins were kinda ruined because they were wet. I wanted to clean the door of a church.Ocd started telling me to return home to get other clean napkins in order to use them instead to clean the door of the church.I did not want to do what ocd was telling me to do. It kept bugging me. My fucking head was a mess. I had a headache because of all this pressure.I decided to try and make a real promise/deal with God/Gods in order to force myself not to do what ocd was telling me to do.
So, I was in the bridge between my house and the church. I pointed to the path (a part of the bridge) that led to home, I pointed to the direction of my house and said something about being cursed: (cant remember my words exactly but they were kinda like this:)
(pointed to the direction of my house)
- IF I RETURN HOME
- FOR ONLY TO GET OTHER NAPKINS
(pointed to the direction of the church)
- IN ORDER TO USE THEM
- TO CLEAN THE DOOR OF THE CHURCH
These were the terms. While saying the terms/words, I visualised in my mind what I really mean because I was afraid that I may mess up my words. So, I visualised in my mind what I should not do. I visualised that I should not walk back the bridge from the spot where I was standing, that I should not take other, clean, dry napkins from my kitchen, that I should not clean with them the door of that church.
I said this words intensely without really wanting to say them because I thought that it was the only way out of this dilemma. I tried to mean them without wanting to mean them on the same time. Anyway, I had said in the past that a real promise/deal would need to be validated by doing a specific gesture 3 times on me. I did the gesture 2 times and stopped before the 3rd. I asked for the deal/promise to be canceled and I explained to God/Gods that I did not mean it and that I just wanted some relief from my ocd.
I did not return to my house. I continued my way without returning home. I reached the church and used the kinda ruined napkins that I already had with me and cleaned the door. After that, I went home and slept and never went to that place again. That was 6 years ago. Now I worry for some hypothetical scenarios and they really make me sad and angry and anxious.
- 1) I remember not doing the 3rd validation gesture but what if I did it once really fast and then, started over because it was too fast and did normaly the gesture 2 times starting from zero? what if God/Gods counted the 2 times with normal speed and also, the fast one that I may have considered invalid? what if God/Gods counted it as 3 and accepted the promise/deal? I do not remember if this scenario ever happened but it is just an hypothesis
- 2) what if God/Gods do not care about any validation and simply accepted the dea/promise as soon as I finished my sentence? what if God/Gods the promise valid even if I canceled it straight away?
- 3) what is the duration of the deal? I remember being on a rush and wanted to force myself out of that dilemma I was facing in the bridge between my house and the church. I did not say anything about the duration of the deal. I was in a rush. what if the deal counted forever, if and ever I find myself in the exact same circumastances in the future? Do you think the deal was resolved or still applies?
- 4) what exactly breaks the deal? I cant remember what my words were exactly. I cant remember what I wanted the deal/promise to be about. Is the use of the other, clean napkins necessary in the church's door for the deal to break? What exactly the phrase "in order to" means? I remember visualising in my mind what I should not do (in order for God/Gods to read my mind) but I cant remember if the phrase "in order to use them to clean the door" implies intention only or intention with action too. I probably visualised in my head that I should not use the other clean, dry napkins that were in my house to clean the door but I cant remember if it was a visualisation of the action that I should not do or if it was the intention that I should not have.
- 5) what if one night I sleepwalked without remembering it? what if I found myself in the same circumastance without remembering it while sleepwalking? what if I did the compulsion while sleepwalking?
i am worried because of the curse that I asked in case breaking the deal. I do not want to say details about it but my life is ruined because of these hypothetical scenarios. I do not know what to do. I feel like yelling, crying. I need your help. i would like to hear your opinion in those questions.
